Vulnerable.

I called my mom on Monday, with the results of my recent blood pregnancy test. I was proud because I wasn't crying, I was handling it so well, my heart didn't feel broken. And then, as only my mom can, she simply said, "You know you have plenty of time." She said it like a question, like she did when I was 14 and she was doing my hair for homecoming and said, "You know you're pretty(?)" As if it was something so obvious to everyone but me. She wanted me to know for sure, and she speaks to my deepest fears before I even know what they are.

I sat at my intern supervisor's desk on Tuesday, as she asked me the results of my recent blood pregnancy test. "It was negative, which is fine," I said, pretty convincingly (I thought), "Totally fine because having a baby right now would be awful it wouldn't have been good for my body and had the potential to be risky for the baby so it's really fine best thing really because the timing would have been off..." I ran out of breath and dissolved into tears.

Ever want something so bad you constantly talked about it to everyone you knew to try and convince yourself it's okay that you can't have it right now? Or ever realize how badly you want something once someone tells you that you can't have it?

It is a part of mine and Ben's journey, and I'm not sad or we're going through it anymore. The Lord is taking the time to teach us something, and so we'll try our hardest to be obedient to listen.

When we do have a baby, through biological means or otherwise, that baby will be the most loved baby that has ever been born. And that baby will have parents who are all the wiser for having waited.